Nihon no more

I will admit I left things a bit open there.

Christmas 2018

There was no finale... no explanation. It just sort of faded itself out of existence.

I got busy. I also was studying for N2 at the time, so couldn't justify time spent doing this. It became a burden. It was only meant to be a fun reflection.

Oh boy have things changed. We returned. I won't even go into the amazing trips we did those last few months. I finally got to explore Kyushu. I loved it. Especially Yakushima which was goddam expensive, but absolutely incredible. I've kept snippets of cedar wood from the island. It was the most amazing place I've ever been. We hiked to the most incredible forest canopy I've ever seen. An A-class panoramic portrait won't do it justice. We also saw a sea turtle laying eggs on the beach. That was a weird night. We actually left our suitcases in a locker that we couldn't access in the tourist center, so had to spend the night in our clothes from the hike. It was pretty gross, but was fine in the end so whatever. We had the most Japanese meal over looking an amazing sunset.

Ah - so I told you all about it.

Well, parts.

We moved to London. We are not in Japan. My feelings are so mixed. It's really nice to work in a non-Japanese environment.

I mourn for Japan from time to time. I get caught off-guard, I dream I'm still there and then wake up and my heart feels lost for a moment.

The return has been amazing in ways I didn't foresee or expect and completely disappointing and devastating in others. It's clear this is where we need to be for now. To lay down roots, establish our careers and start the legacy that is team Zescobar.

I can't be here forever, this country lacks things. Things I can't describe. For Matt it's an adventure, it's been better for him than it was for me. I was so worried he'd have a hard time adapting to British life, culture, people, I didn't stop to question the same for myself. Now it's hit me hard and he's doing really well.

It's in our natures. I'm so pessimistic. I really hate that about myself. I am lacking sources and outlets for creativity. I found a job which socially is great, but in other ways I'm not satisfied or excelling. I still have a long journey of figuring out what that thing will be.

If I find it - then maybe I'll be sad that I've lost an important part of myself - the part that's always wondering, never sure, insecure, humble.

I'll continue with what I always do - keep trying and ultimately failing.