Lesbian Vibes

When I told my boss that I got engaged, after congratulating me, he stopped for a moment in slight confusion to ask "and you're marrying....a man?". "Yes, he's a man", I clarified. 

You might argue that he was just being open-minded, which is fair enough, but I don't think that was the case. I know why he felt the need to ask. It's because of my vibe, my lesbian vibe.

It wasn't the first time a boss of mine has asked whether I was a lesbian. It happened when I was in Bristol working at a bar. My boss asked me "honey, are you a lesbian?" (he was a camp Malaysian man). I asked him "no, but why did you think I am?", he explained it was because I "wore plaid shirts, and didn't flirt with any of the male customers". Fair enough I thought- there was solid reasoning.

I'm not homophobic, so I don't mind if I give off a lesbian vibe. I'm not offended, and I'm also not surprised. I think I have always been a bit of a tom-boy. I'm clearly not very "girly", if people still use that word. I mean, none of the women I grew up with are particularly girly either. Only in Japan have I really encountered a high level of extremely girly women. It is quite normal for people here to dress up like barbie dolls and expect to be taken completely seriously. It does strike me as weird, not because I have a problem with it, I mean, I used to love barbies, but just because as a grown adult, I really don't get it.

Aside from girlishness, I don't think I'm a particularly sexy or overtly feminine woman either, at least on the surface. But, I never tried not to be those things either, if that makes sense.

One of the other reasons I've been questioning my external sex vibe  is because of the recent 'me too' movement. This may sound quite ignorant, but I was really dumbfounded to learn that so many women have had negative sexual harassment and assault experiences. In following the movement in the media, I listened to interviews, and read articles about different womens' experiences. I came to realise that I've been living in a world where almost every woman has been experiencing and dealing with inappropriate sexual behaviour from men on a regular basis.

I thought hard, have I ever had a bad experience? What's my 'me too' story? The truth is, I don't have have one. Unless I've done an excellent job of suppressing some deep awful memory, then, so far, I've been one of the lucky ones.

I don't want to jinx myself, because I know that it doesn't mean that something won't happen, and now I know to be extremely careful - I'm actually thinking about doing a self-defense course when I get back to London - or possibly starting to train in a martial art (that would be cool).

But why don't I have many bad experiences? I've rarely been flirted with by guys in bars or clubs (not that those things should be considered bad). Really, when i think about it, I get very little sexual attention from men. I've only really witnessed it as a friend to more attractive women, hanging in bars with lady friends, seeing the reception they get. I have a lot of very attractive female friends. That's not because I'm a lesbian and secretly fancy them by the way - just a coincidence I think. But really, breaking this thing down, I don't think I'm massively ugly, seriously.. I'm pretty normal looking.

I always thought I was kind of average in terms of attractiveness and outward femininity, but I'm now realising that this might not be the case. I am the sum of my parts. Parts that need to be made sense of. And here is my assessment:

1) I wear baggy clothes
I thought this was how clothes were supposed to look. My mum has told me off for not wearing something "fitting" - but I'm quite skinny and not exactly curvy, so things just hang off me. Also I get cold, and baggy things keep me warm and comfortable. Tight clothes are kind of itchy aren't they? Am I crazy in thinking this?

2) If bra: then sports bra.
What? Bras are really uncomfortable, ask anyone. That's just basic sense.  Also, why would anyone wear a push-up bra, they are heavy and make you accidentally knock into things like door frames.

3) my hair
Its a frizzy jew-fro which is difficult to manage. I know it looks better to wear it down and all crazy - but that would require washing it regularly, and ain't nobody got time for that.

4) No dresses or jewellery
I do own dresses - and occasionally wear them too. But I like to cycle to work - so don't wear them there. Also, dresses generally mean that you have to shave your legs, which I can't be bothered to do. Jewellery is nice, but who can remember to actually it? I now have an engagement ring which I don't take off, partly because, if I did take it off, I might not remember to put it on again.

5) flat shoes
I own a pair of heels which I wore to my cousins wedding once. Seriously though, I find heels impossible to walk in and completely uncomfortable. Aren't comfortable shoes just common sense? I never understood heels. I see women walking around Tokyo in them, and they look like they can't walk properly, a friend of mine nicknames these women "deer legs" - but apparently it's sexy.

5) My posture
I guess I don't have much of a sexy lady walk. I have terrible hunched posture, I'm not sure why - I've been trying to correct it by stretching in the evenings - but it'll take some time.

6) make-up
Once I realised that I could sleep for five extra minutes in the morning if I didn't bother with make-up, then I stopped. I have mascara that I wear on the weekends.

7) My voice
Its deep. As in, when I was a school girl and we had a house phone, sometimes my parents friends would call and assume they were talking to my brother "this is actually his younger sister...." facepalm

8) My general manner
Not sure what to put here - stuff that doesn't fit into any other category. I don't giggle very much like regular Japanese women. It's hard to assess my own manner- but mine is apparently quite lesbian. I am quite gross in someways, like, I have a perpetual runny nose and am always blowing it in a non-sexy way. I wonder if that counts here.

I do get scared of spiders and bugs and stuff.. doesn't that make me cute and innocent? I guess not.