Its so cold at night. getting out of bed in the morning is not just torturous because im tired and was having a nice dream, but also because the space outside of my duvet is an ice block. last night was the especially crap as my heater had ran out of oil. As soon as I finish school today I am going to fill it up. but i fear i am too late - my neck is hurting today, my throat is starting to feel swollen and from just one cold night with not nearly enough hours of sleep I feel myself descending into illness and becoming victim to the january blues.
i cant be bothered to press on the shift key to punctuate what im typing anymore because when you feel low you feel lazy and basic tasks become arduous. this particular brand of blues has left me staring off into space occassionaly asking myself, whats the point of it all? i know im usually really upbeat arent i? maybe theres something really wrong. no, i think its just the january blues. sat in the office all day - no lessons all week, no purpose. well, apart from thursday which i wish i could just sleep through franky, or have removed from my week altogether. to be honest id prefer my life a seventh shorter with no thursdays than the thursday i currently have to endure. do I really feel that way? no of course not, its those damn jan blues catching me off guard again. although it does feel that if i can get through the day without anyone speaking to me, or if im lucky, without making eye contact then it was a good day. i wonder, am i usually this antisocial? no no, jan blues, up in my grill and headspace again.
god i hate how so many people at work have full view of my laptop screen. they must know what im doing at all times. wheres privacy when you need it? I just tried to watch tv online but i cant enjoy it whatsoever. I am too paranoid that all the people behind me are looking up, looking over at my screen thinking "whats she wasting time on now?" seeing that its a cartoon of some sort, then tutting, shaking their heads with disapproval and returning to something incredibly meaningful and productive. still, at least no one can understand what im writing. thats the only form of privacy I have.
Is it ironic, or utterly unsuprising that the cause of my social isolation at work is the key to my concealment? why did that sentence sound so pretentious? is it because I had to use a thesaurus to come to the word concealment? damn these life mysteries.
I read ages ago that the january blues are common for JETS at this time of year. the weather is cold, the holidays are over, the novelty of being in japan has worn off and all the annoying things about this place start to surface. why is there no central heating anywhere? why is everything so damn bureucratic? why is combini food so shit? when will people stop starring at me like my being here is breaking some sort of natural physical law? why is everyone so damn shy about everything? When will i be able to understand any japanese at all? why after trying so hard for 4 months am i still unable to string a sentence together? is it me? am i not trying hard enough? are my learning techniques bad? am i not practising enough? not spending enough time trying to make conversation with the locals? or are those cheeky buggers deliberately changing the language every couple of weeks just to throw me off? no, of course not, its just the january blues and they got me reaaaaal bad.
well, time to look at the bright side: I have a pair of headphones. well... thats as far as that list goes.
ok january, you win this time, but im watching you. when february comes AND IT WILL COME lets see who has the last laugh.
but in the meantime, what can i do but wallow.